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i am fighting with dragons
when i try to spit out any
semblance of reason. the
moment i try to start i am
overcome with what i once
thought was a shortcoming
but i know now to be ghosts
of what i used to value (life)

i am a death
hidden in the
leaves of your
favourite novel

i am honestly bad for the health
of any traveling bard or passing
soldier. i am a plague. i am your
sickness.  i am an anaesthetic.

i am a vaccine against
polio/heartbreak/colic
or was is jaundice?
i'm yellow-skinned,
i'm yellow-bellied and
i'm yelling to the sky
like i can't hear the
sirens.

I JUST WANT TO SPEND A DAY
IN YOUR (SOMEBODY'S) ARMS
LIKE I BELONGED, LIKE I WAS
A PART OF THE FAMILY.
APART FROM THE FAMILY.

i can't help SCREAMING because dear
i don't know who "you" are anymore
and nobody is listening to this but
the static is thinning. i'm still the
mountain of broken toys i was
assumed to be so long ago.
i'm pulling my guts out.
i'm pulling my ears.
i'm listening but i
can't hear you.
i'm just head-
banging to
my own
beat.
I WOULD PROBABLY BUY MY WAY OUT OF THIS TOWN
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:iconkittylivers:
kittylivers Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I really liked the word choice that you had within this poem, particularly the whole yellow section in the fourth stanza. The word play was very clever and worked extremely well.

I also really liked the second stanza, because I knew exactly what you meant.

Overall though, I thought that the stanzas weren't very unified. There was no imagery that carried all the way through and it left me feeling kind of lost.

I also found the structure of the last stanza kind of distracting, but then I'm not a huge fan of experimental structure.

That's just my two cents, and if you don't find it helpful, you can just ignore my ramblings.
:D
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:icondrashian:
drashian Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! And thanks for the input!

Yeah, I do have a problem with mixing my metaphors and such and not keeping the unified strusture, et cetera.
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:iconkittylivers:
kittylivers Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Hey, at least you know. That's the first step to recovery.

Or something.
:P
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:iconiiemilie:
iiEmilie Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2010
I love how this poem flows nice and evenly. There is just so much deep emotion hidden in each phrase, one would need to read it over a couple times to decipher the meaning. Emotions like this are often near impossible for me to put into words and have it come out the way yours did. A poet like you that can find a way to bring it all out in your poems the way you can honestly has a rare and unique amount of talent.

I like the Jaundice part, "I'm yellow-skinned, I'm yellow bellied and I'm yelling at the sky" it was very clever. My number one favorite part was the very first stanza because it seems like you were trying to let it all out, but you didn't know how or maybe something held you back or you were at a loss of words. Then things got flowing and the emotion just kept building and building until it all just settled down in the end.

I honestly haven't been practicing my poetry and writing lately, I am an ameteur when it comes to writing poetry. When I write a poem and I look back on it, I see that I did terribly in choice of words. I want to get better, and I believe that I could possibly learn a thing or two by reading some of your poems. It's really not in my place to say all that I've written above when the others have pretty much beaten me to it. I just want to say that you are a truely wonderful poet that has such incredible talent that I have never seen before. I love this poem, and don't ever stop writing poetry... because I would love to read more. c:
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:icondrashian:
drashian Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much! This was really a joy to read. c:

I think that a lot of poetry is just thinking of new ways to say the same old things. I could express myself in a million cliched, overused phrases, but I instead try to think of new words and turns of phrase that work for me.

You are tooooo sweet hun! <3 <3 <3
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:iconjeffreyboutte9:
jeffreyboutte9 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
Great story/poem. :D
Reply
:icondrashian:
drashian Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconjeffreyboutte9:
jeffreyboutte9 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
your welcome :D
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:iconamaguard:
amaguard Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2010  Student General Artist
to be honest the line spacing and flow didn't work for me the first time around. I'm not sure whether that was because I wasn't reading it right or what because I did something else and then came back and realized I hadn't commented so I read it again and it read a zillion times better.
The metaphors and shit are really good, really well done. I love the yellow --> yelling etc part. Favorite part. It works, it flows well, and it's a damn good piece of language.

I get really confused when reading poetry because when the first person I is used I have to decide who the speaker is meant to be. This is just my random thought, because with all poetry I wonder whether it's the authors or some character's or just you know. Whatever. I don't think it matters really. And if it does, especially when I'm reading people I know's poetry, I don't want to know. I like the mystery left in it. I find that interesting though, reading stuff or looking at pictures just thinking of what the message is. And who it's from. I mean in theory it's always from the creator, but who are they giving the message to carry to me? Okay that made no sense this is unrelated now, I guess.

I think this is really good, and the fact that I sort of blargh'd at it the first time might have made it better in fact. It meant it required a bit more focus, attention, and thought. Which is all good. Like a higher level, yanno?
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:icondrashian:
drashian Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
JUST SO YOU KNOW BEFOREHAND this comment made my day because it's all LONG and PRETTY and it's FROM YOU. I'm SO LAME.

Thankyouthankyouthankyou you are very nice. And I guess that's kind of... good the "not liking it at first" thing? UPPER LEVEL THINKING.

And yeah, I know, right? Like I usually assume poetry is from the writer's perspective but sometimes it just THROWS me because it's a character and WOAHWHAT. But in a good way. And yeah, I usually more or less write from my own perspective, but sometimes to myself, sometimes to the reader, sometimes to an imaginary person. And it's not even all necessarily true. But YEAH it's always an interesting thought! Because sometimes you wonder who they're addressing or if they're addressing themselves or even anyone at all.
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:iconamaguard:
amaguard Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2010  Student General Artist
That good. You're welcome, darling. I have a habit of over analyzing and sometimes it pays off, eh? I like to ponder and stroke my imaginary beard. I'm glad it's appreciated.
Reply
:icondrashian:
drashian Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Damn. Reason why I wish I were male #1935: STROKING A BEARD.
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:iconamaguard:
amaguard Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2010  Student General Artist
good lord that was ridden with typos :C
Reply
:icondigi-writes-fanfics:
Digi-Writes-Fanfics Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2010
Ah, this is fantastic. Admittedly, I don't know a ton of poetry, but I really loved the way it flowed. It flowed like a song and also like someone... screaming, I guess and I really enjoyed that. The like "I am death hidden in the leaves of your favorite novel", I thought it was a very cool line. I also enjoyed the use of the term "yellow" and the way you did the spacing and occasionally used caps. It's just a very artistic way to use language, like painting a picture of a feeling with words. Fantastic job! :iconcwcplz:
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:icondrashian:
drashian Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you sooo much! Yeah, I really liked the "yellow" part myself. I felt clever. c: You have no idea how happy this makes me! "Painting a picture of a feeling with words." That is like some hardcore praise. ;u;
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:iconsasukeandhagifangirl:
I really really like this. My favorite part was 'I'm yellow-skinned, I'm yellow-bellied and I'm yelling to the sky like I can't hear the sirens.' The way it was broken up just made it flow really nicely. And I like how at the end it seems more rushed{or to me it does} because before that it almost seemed like you were trying to stay calm, for the most part, but towards the end your determination to not lose control breaks down into nothing.

I just love how relateable this seems, almost. Well, not relateable. But there's so much emotion in this piece. I mean, anybody can put words together to sound good, but a really good poem has loads of emotion.

I don't know if you would really consider this a critique, because I was mainly just pointing out all the things that I liked instead of stuff that I didn't, because there really wasn't much other than a few typos. But yeah, :iconcwcplz:
Reply
:icondrashian:
drashian Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks! Yeah, I liked that part too. Take the jaundice premise, go to yellow. Grab a colloquialism and add in a subversion for good measure.

I'm trying to take emotions I don't know how to really express in life and make them easy-to-read because that's what I think is being a "writer". And that's what I want to do.

Thank you! <3
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:iconsasukeandhagifangirl:
Yeah. I really liked how you tied it in with the jaundice.

I think that's what writing{or at least poetry} is all about. I mean, I've read some poems that were fantastically written, but they had no emotion. And so they weren't very good overall. I mean, pretty words are nice but I'd rather have my poem mean something than have lots of pretty words.

No problem. :D
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:icondrashian:
drashian Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Exactly. If it's all the same to the riter, if they don't FEEL what they're writing, it'll never ring true. Even not-so-great writers who FEEL make better poetry then wonderful writers who don't.
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:iconsasukeandhagifangirl:
Exactly. I mean{and I'm not the best poet ever imo} I look back to my old poetry that was just....terrible. It was all unfeeling and about stuff that really didn't relate to me at all. Now I write poetry only when I have an intense emotion, mostly anger. That's why I couldn't really do that 100 Themes Challenge. I can't write poetry on a whim, just by getting a topic, yanno? But that is so true. It's what makes a writer, really.
Reply
:icondrashian:
drashian Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Exactly! I like your poetry and I can really tell when there is emotion behind a piece. It makes all the difference.
Reply
:iconsasukeandhagifangirl:
Yeah. Thanks. :D I mean, I've tried just writing whatever from no emotion and...it doesn't always work so well haha.
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:iconkatrani:
katrani Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2010
This has absolutely nothing to do with me, right? :/ **hugs**

I like that the line length is kept in each stanza, but a different stanza means the length can change as well. The descending length in the last bit doesn't seem to fit though, since the rest of this is all one length (essentially) per stanza. It kind of throws me off.

I can't tell if this is supposed to be more melancholy or more depressed, which also kind of throws me, but then, poetry is all about interpretation.

:iconcwcplz:
Reply
:icondrashian:
drashian Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh! Noooononononono. Just. A general feeling of dissatisfaction with everything here, everything I've been doing lately.

Yeah I uh... I play with those stanzas quite a bit. I dunno.
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